Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
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“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
😩😩😩
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of