Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
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New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i鈥檓 going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you鈥檙e about to spend a really long time telling me
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don鈥檛 have to copy that part.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
馃幎I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair馃幎
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
馃槉馃
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.