i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
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My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
CRYING
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity