Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
You Might Also Like
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard