The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
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Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Otters drive ottermobiles.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.