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replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose