The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
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Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.