Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
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I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby