As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
You Might Also Like
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I’m too immature for adultery.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.