oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
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*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I’m about to risk it all
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.