[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
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I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
do what now??
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.