*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
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Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.