afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
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[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
That lamp looks PISSED.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”