y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
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Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on