GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
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the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I hope they boil the right one.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??