me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
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I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.