IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
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I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored