Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
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People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.