Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
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I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
oh my god
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.