ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
You Might Also Like
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
(yawn)
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate