Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
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Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.