“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
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“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.