Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
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[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.