“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
You Might Also Like
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?