“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
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Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I like long walks away from everyone
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.