every. time.
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a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes