Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
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I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
*Texting with my wife while sheâs out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOUâRE *
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I feel like IBM isnât being roasted enough for their company name.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
yes yes a thousand times yes!
wtf is this choreography đđđ
KidsâŚyou can be happy about it being the last day of school, but youâll never be as happy as the teachers.
Elementary schools be like:
Itâs Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macyâs regulation sized float out of paper machĂŠ
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakesđđ.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
If Alexa is really âwatchingâ everything I do, then why doesnât she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasnât looking
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I donât understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managersâ texts would just be them telling me itâs not a great market for sex at the moment
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.