The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
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A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF