[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
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You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Love this one 😂🧟
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Cat.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.