[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
You Might Also Like
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.