Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
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*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.