Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
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On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.