@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
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ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
our love story in four pictures
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?