[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
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Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy