Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
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CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once