[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
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People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective