Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
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Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here