Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
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I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”