A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
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My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Hard not to take this personally
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.