My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
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Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”