I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
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I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.