Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
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DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.