Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
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[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Investing in beetcoin
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on