My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
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A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
you gotta be faster
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?