I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
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You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.