My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
You Might Also Like
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
life finds a way
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.