God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
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How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
why isn’t he texting back
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
this is literally a CIA plant
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Time for evil
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
.. do you even science?
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool