A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
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How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I’d hang this in my house.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?