oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
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“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
they really do be looking like this
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.