3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
You Might Also Like
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
What even happened today?
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.